dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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