Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize