grandma shit on top of the toilet
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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