My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
