Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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