I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
