mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
