maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I did not marry a roomba.
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