You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
