To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
