Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
