period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
