You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
