Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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