Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Randomize