he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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