I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
