I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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