I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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