Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
