Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
