I puked a lego.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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