i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
