Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
