you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
