god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize