Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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