This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize