1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
