I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
