I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize