if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
