Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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