dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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