sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
