I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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