there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize