i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
