eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
