I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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