woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
