listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize