I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
