i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
