So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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