your parents love me but you hate me
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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