he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
