I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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