I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize