I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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