just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
