the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
