Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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