the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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