I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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