Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize