We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
