My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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